


A blink in time

by penguinloser182



Category: Blink-182
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-28
Updated: 2017-03-28
Packaged: 2018-10-12 08:46:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10486887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/penguinloser182/pseuds/penguinloser182
Summary: when a magic vortex sucks the boys up and takes them to far off of land they must try and get back to home. But things get weird..fast





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this a very long time ago and decided it was time to show it off.

A Blink in Time

 

Dedicated to BLINK 182, blink brats and those who enjoy crappy fun stories.

 

 

*Disclaimer: this story contains vulgar words and graphic images. If this offends you then stop now. Example if the words, shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, mother fucker, tits, fart, turd or twat offend you then you will NOT enjoy this story. Or if you just don’t like crappy stories, none of this will be pleasurable, but if you have a sense of humor and think poop jokes are funny then you might get a kick out of this, so please continue reading. That is all thank you, remember you have been warned.

 

 

 

 

 

Long ago, before San Diego existed, before our grandparents and even our great grandparents or great great grandparents were born, a kingdom was ascertained. The kingdom was very small, with very few people to inhabit it, nor many other things for that matter.  
The majority of the kingdom’s people were too terrified to live in this tiny kingdom. Mostly because of a hideous dragon that resided in a near by cave, in the middle of a mountain. The king was at his wit’s end with all the chaos, he didn’t know how to get his kingdom back to royal order that it had once been. No one wanted to live there, the dragon was chasing everything and everyone away, but that all changed one day when three heroes came into the land, just as a prophecy predicted they would.

Mark, Tom, and Travis were in their recording studio, brainstorming their newest ‘catastrophe’. When Mark suddenly stopped, something felt very abnormal, even for the three of them, Mark just stopped playing. Tom was the first to speak.  
“What’s going on dude? Why’d you stop?”   
Mark, lifting it from the strings of his bass, pointed his right index finger. Tom and Travis turned their attention from Mark to where he was pointing. To their shock and amazement, a blue and green swirling vortex was expanding throughout the studio. A horrific odor protruded from the hole.  
“I think it has some sort STD. Do you think it’s safe?” Tom asked turning their attention away.  
“I’m not gonna find out,” Mark replied just as Travis pointed.  
“Guys, I don’t think we’re going to have a choice,” he spoke. They all turned to notice that the swirling vortex was beginning to double in size and suck surround objects inside it.  
“Look Tom it’s like you, it sucks things,” Mark joked, but before Tom could retort the vortex drew the three of them inside of its shell.   
When Mark, Tom, and Travis awoke they were in a very strange place. They stood looking around at the empty woods around them.  
“Where are we?” Travis spoke stretching.  
“I don’t know but we need to find some people and find out this is kind of weird,” Mark suggested. The three of them began to walk; they didn’t know where they were or where they were headed. It was much later when they came upon a small town. The town was tiny and rugged with no cars, just open shacks with chickens and pigs running on dirt paths. They felt as if they stepped onto the set of the deliverance or Brave heart or something like that. Eyes stared at them as they walked down the path in their navy blue Dickie shorts and Hurley t-shirts and sneakers.  
Mark couldn’t figure out what they were looking at, but what go him the most was that no one was clean or even dressed very well.  
“Must be in some cultic nudist colony,” he simply responded.  
“God I hope not, I want to see clean naked people,” Tom stated.  
“Why are they staring?” Travis questioned. Finally someone in the town spoke to them.  
“You are just as the prophecy predicted,” she sounded astonished as she took hold of Travis’ hand, looking it over and over. Her breath was hot, sticky and smelled of ten day old rotten cabbage. Her teeth were blackened by tartar and cavities.  
“I guess dog semen is the number one cause of bad breath,” Tom whispered to Mark.  
“Um miss, excuse me, what are you talking about?” Travis blurted out trying to ignore Mark and Tom’s comments.  
“You’re the prophecy,” she repeated again and again.  
“What prophecy?” Travis paused, “We’re just musicians,” he tried to reason, but she just looked blankly at him as if she hadn’t heard him.  
“Hello, we play music, we aren’t a prophecy to anything,” he tried again.  
“Except to voyeurism maybe,” Tom remarked.  
“You are the ones to stop it,” she babbled on.  
“Stop what?” Travis asked still confused.  
“You must come see the king, come hurry, run tell the king,” she ordered someone.  
“Um ma’am, miss crazy lady, where are we? Medieval Times or something? Cause if this is Medieval Times, we’ve been screwed and I want my money back,” Mark questioned thinking it was all a joke. “Am I being Punk‘d?” he continued looking around for the cameras and Ashton Kutcher.  
The woman looked at him still confused. “You’re here; you’re in the kingdom of Camequick,”   
“Did she just…” Tom began, trailing off. Tom looked at Mark and Travis all three speaking at the same time. “Nah,” then began to listen to the crazy woman speak again or at least tried to. The woman continued to babble on and on about a prophecy they still didn’t get.  
The woman brought them to an old, would be condemned shack. She asked them to sit at a very shabby, small round table in the middle of a dim lit room. If there were rooms, the house was basically one large room with a fireplace, a table and a single bed in the corner.  
“Well, would you care for something to eat?” she asked bringing a large black cauldron toward them. The foul smell wafted under their noses. A smell so grotesque that just a simple whiff made their stomachs turn, and if the smell alone wasn’t bad enough the look didn’t help sell it either.  
They all began to gag and dry heave, as she tried to dip the ‘food’ onto the plate.  
“Umm, no thank you. I’m not really that hungry,” the three of them began to chime in.  
They didn’t have to worry about chasing down their food because the sound of hoof beats and cheering were coming from outside. Mark, Tom, and Travis jumped up from the rickety old chairs to see what the commotion was about. Outside there were men wearing white armor and riding jet black horses.  
“The king sends for you,” the lead knight spoke.  
“This is too weird,” Mark spoke, still very much freaked out about the whole ordeal.  
None of them really understood what was going on. To find out what was going on is what they really wanted, so they followed. The three band members fell behind the knight, or who they thought were knights. They were all extremely confused and very uncomfortable with the way they were being looked at as they walked out of the village.  
Whispers filled the air as well as pointing and strange looks. The band was use to getting strange looks but none like those of these people’s almost vacant expression. Before long, the men on horseback drew their horses to a halt. Blink stopped not much further from behind.  
“This is it,” an enormous man with a high voice spoke.  
“Hmm for such a large man he has a very feminine voice. Light and pleasant like a little bird,” Tom thought. Tom snapped back to the moment with a small jab to his side from one of his band mates. The scene in front of them was a funny looking palace. Mark, Tom and Travis tilted their heads to the right, noticing that if looked at in a certain way the castle had the resemblance of a butt.  
“This is one messed up castle,” Travis stated. With their heads still tilted they all nodded in agreement. Just as Mark was going to make a comment about it, the knights started their horses again.

The king sat upon his throne distraught and impatient, it seemed when Blink arrived in his castle. Mark was the first to want to laugh; this guy was a freak or something. His hand seemed to be permanently attached to his penis. Mark tried so hard not to laugh but the dude was a walking freak show.  
“We should have used him instead of little people,” Mark thought. The king was not a tall man by any means and it amazed Mark that there was someone out there with their hand folded around their junk more than Tom. It surprised Mark, surprised Tom too.  
“He has his hand on his wiener,” Tom pointed out whispering as if no one else had noticed it.  
“Your majesty,” one knight began kneeling. “They are here,”  
The king dismissed him with a wave of his free hand. He stood up slowly with is hand still in place, all of Blink were still trying to keep from chuckling.  
“It’s a deformity,” the king snapped an explanation.  
“I was born with my hand permanently attached this way,”  
“That sucks. How do you umm please the ladies?” Tom remarked.  
The king cleared his throat shifting in his seat. Then shouted at their snickering.  
“That’s enough! Silence!” The band began to push one another to see who would speak first. They pushed Mark in front.  
“Umm your majesty. I’m Mark, this is Tom and Travis we’re in a band called Blink 182. But um we seem to be lost. So if you could just point us to the freeway,”  
A knight jumped in front of Mark. “You shall not speak to the king until you are addressed.”  
“Good to know,” he muttered.  
The king stood up to speak. “Mark, is it?” Mark nodded trying not to cause too many problems just yet.  
“And you are?” Mark added not able to control himself.  
“Are you insane? That’s your highness, King Cumsalot,” the knight filled in. Blink hid their laughter as Tom spoke up.  
“You’re name is...” he smothered a laugh. “Let me get this straight, you’re name’s Cumsalot, and you rule the kingdom Camequick?”

“Yes King Cumsalot the third,” the three friends broke into hysterical laughter.  
“What’s this? You mock the king?”  
“Umm no not at… well actually yes we do,” Tom provided the truth through tears of laughter.  
“Come on dude, the name alone would make a mime laugh. Not to mention the whole hand thing. That just adds to humor of it.”  
“It’s a deformity,” he continued to protest through gritted teeth.  
“Sure it is,” Tom turned to Mark. “No wonder his name is Cumsalot,’ he whispered.  
“Keep telling yourself that,” Mark insisted adding fuel to fire.  
“That’s quite enough. I grow tired of this mockery,” the king yelled startling the three of them abruptly ending their laughter, causing them to cover their giggles.  
“Bring chairs for them now,” King Cumsalot demanded. “Its time for them to know why they are here.”


	2. The Prophecy

The Prophecy

“Now the three of you are here because of something prophesized long ago,” the king began.  
“We’ve been told, but what the hell does it all mean?” Travis spoke first.  
“Yeah all we want to do is go home,” Mark pointed out.  
“If we even know where that is now,” Tom simply stated.  
“That will all be shown as soon as I tell the story,” the king assured them.  
“Yay, story time,” Mark and Tom yelled like little giddy school kids while clapping their hands.  
“I’m growing old of this,” King Cumsalot noted. “Not another word,” he shouted noticing Tom about to say something. Tom simply shut up and sat back in his large uncomfortable chair.  
“It is told in the prophecy, hmm,” the king began looking back and forth at the band members. “Perhaps I should start from the beginning,” he decided noting the vacant stares on the three faces that sat in front of him.  
“Long ago when my father’s three fathers before him ruled this land the kingdom was full of people. Every where you went people stood. Everyone was healthy, happy and full life. There was an abundance of food and cheers filed the land, but soon a terrible thing happened. The land became unmanageable, due to a dragon, an evil dragon that reeked havoc upon the land, throwing a reign of tyranny throughout the kingdom. The dragon was put under a spell; the spell was rendered by a crystal that the dragon kept in his lair. Someone took that crystal that the dragon protected.  
Any how, my father’s three fathers before him knew that the only way to stop the dragon was to get the crystal back and freeze the dragon in a time console and replace the crystal.   
So the man (my father’s three fathers before him) went on a journey and after many months of searching he came home. The kingdom was almost in ruins and he came home empty handed.  
He tried repeatedly with no luck until one day he discovered the thieves, and retrieved the crystal and returned home. With blood rising to his mind in fury and anger at what he had returned home to, he marched up to the cave where the dragon resided. He lifted the crystal up toward the dragon and caught him inside containing him till just recently.  
My father’s three fathers before him told the kingdom not to worry but to tell their children to tell their children’s children that in so many sun rises and in so many moons that the dragon would rise again and the crystal would have to be returned to the sorcerer who could properly destroy the crystal and end the dragon’s life. That’s where the three of you come into the prophecy.  
The prophecy was said that in that time when the dragon was released, when the time was becoming tremendously horrible, three men would fall from the sky dressed differently than us. And so it has. The kingdom was becoming so strong but time was up. The dragon came back and so it is up to you. It is up to you to retrieve that crystal and up to you three to battle the dragon.”  
“Look dude, we’d love to help you, but we are not knights or whatever, we just want to go home. Back to wherever it is,’ Travis quickly jumped in.  
“That is precisely why you must. You see the only way home is to destroy that crystal properly. The dragon knows this, he protects it.”  
“Look we have a show in two days, we’ve got to get home,” Travis continued.  
“Then that doesn’t leave you much time,” the king insisted.  
“Now wait a second, who said we were going to help?’ Mark asked.  
“Bu you’ve got no choice. It is your destiny.”  
“Umm, right. Just tell us how to get out of this kingdom,” Travis quirked.  
“I told you, the only way is to slay the dragon for good,”  
“Slay? As in kill? That was not what you said,” Tom finally spoke.  
“Well what did you think you would have to do, sing it a lullaby?”  
The guys looked at one another nodding, “Well yeah,” they all clamored.  
“Silly boys,” King Cumsalot stated with a female giggle.  
“Umm can we have a moment to talk?” Mark asked.  
“Of course, I’ll be in my chambers.”  
“Thanks Cumsfast,” Mark teased.  
“It’s Cumsalot.”  
“Sure, right, same thing,” Mark said with a shit eating grin.


	3. the Decision

The Decision

 

“Well what do you suggest?” Travis asked trying to be reasonable.  
“I don’t know, if we get killed in this time does that mean we won’t exist in our time? In this town’s future or whatever?” Tom asked worried.  
“I dunno, but we’ve got to think of something if we want to get home,” Mark reasoned.

King Cumsalot paced awaiting Blink’s decision on the dragon. It bothered him that his kingdom must rely on someone else, let alone three other somebody’s. It made him nervous and frustrated not to be able to have control of a situation, especially one this large.  
King Cumsalot continued to pace with nerves of jelly. He didn’t know what to expect o these three…gentleman, or what to anticipate their answer would be. The king almost jumped out of his clothing when the door came open. He turned to see Blink 182 standing in front of him, with their expressions difficult to read and hard to define exactly what they might say of course for them that was the way it usually was.  
“We need to sleep on it. We’ll give you our answer tomorrow,” Mark informed him.  
“Sounds fair enough,” the king agreed not exactly thrilled about having to wait over night. “Guards, find them a room for tonight,” he ordered.  
“Are you sure about this?” Travis whispered to Mark.  
“What other choice do we have?” Mark whispered back. “It’ll give us time to make a plan.”  
The room the guard led them to was a large with high cement like walls with colorful tapestries that covered them. There was one bed to speak of in the center of the room. The large head board sat against the wall by the door and stretched towards the ceiling with a high canopy on it.  
“Wait a minute dude, where are we all going to sleep?” Travis asked.  
Mark and Tom wondered the same thing. Mark looked behind him as the guard spoke.  
“In the bed.” The guard answered.  
“Together?!?” the three of them asked in unison with shock in all their voices.  
“Of course,” the guard said as if it were that obvious.  
“Oh no,” Mark declared looking at his fellow band mates. “I’m not sleeping with Tom, he might rape me in the butt,” he continued.  
“No you’re not my type,” Tom spoke sullenly. Mark looked at Tom with a half smile knowing Tom all to well.  
“But no seriously dude, where do we sleep?” Mark protested turning his attention back to the guard. However the guard didn’t look as though he was joking.  
“I told you,” was all that he replied.  
“Wait, you’re serious?” Travis piped.  
“Of course why wouldn’t I be?”  
Tom started to speak but Mark stopped him by just shaking his head no. They had forgotten they weren’t in San Diego anymore, nor in their own time. They were in Camequick and who knows what time period they were standing in. Mark stood with his hands in his pockets looking down at the tables and everything that filled the room as the guard shut the door for the night.  
“Man, we are so fucked,” Tom was the first to say even though they were all thinking it in the backs of their minds. Mark and Travis nodded in agreement.  
Tom approached the large four post bed and patted the mattress. If that’s what it could even be considered. It was mostly straw and feathers, dust flew from it and encircled him. He lifted the heavy top sheet and more dust and cobwebs encircled him. He quickly dropped the cover and waved his hand in front of his face coughing.  
“These people really don’t know the meaning of housekeeping do they?” Tom asked rhetorically coughing even more.  
They were all lost and confused about this situation and none of them knew how to get out of it. Each of them found different places to sleep, all of them really too terrified to sleep in that bed. Seeing the shape it was in, cobwebs covering the outside posts as well as the inside.  
Mark slept very uncomfortable on the hard drafty floor without a cover, which caused him to shiver most of the night. Travis slept in the deep set window seal, also with out a cover, causing him to shake continuously through out the nighttime as well.  
“Poor” little Tom was sleeping a high back chair with his head resting back with his face tilted up toward the ceiling; snoring with drool trickling down his chin and onto his shirt. He was the only one to get sleep.   
Morning came too soon for most of the band, when the huge oak and steel door came open. Mark and Travis awoke semi easy at the sound.  
“Well,” one of the guards began. “The king wants to meet with you.”  
“Now?” Mark asked rubbing his eyes. “Can we like shower first?” the guard looked at him strangely.  
“Right, haven’t been invented yet,” Mark remembered.  
“Umm we still need some time,” Travis told him.  
“I’ll give you a little more time, but not a lot,” the guard turned on his heels and slammed the huge heavy door. Tom jumped mumbling and grasping the air in front of him.  
“Nice of you to finally join us,” Mark joked.  
“I guess we need to decide,” Travis reasoned getting serious.  
“yeah I guess we do,” Mark agreed looking around rubbing the back of his neck. “Got any suggestions?” Tom and Travis simply shook their heads.


	4. The decision part 2

The Decision  
Part Two

 

The king sat on his throne, as usual his hand was planted firmly and proudly around the shaft of his penis, his queen by his side. His attention was diverted from her to the large doors that lead to the halls from the quarters. Mark pulled open the wide doors and stepped inside the room, the look of the king still making him want to laugh out loud, but he kept his composure as he and the other two members approached the throne.  
“We’ve made our decision,” Mark spoke first. The king adjusted the position in which he was sitting, to speak. “Wonderful,” he jumped in just thinking he knew it all.  
Mark took in a deep breath and then let it out heavily. “Yeah, we’ll do it,” he spoke with dread in his voice.  
“Delightful and for your brave efforts, if you succeed one of you will marry my beautiful daughter.”  
“Oh no thanks dude, we’ve seen the stock she’s bred from,” Tom declined.  
“Well you’re missing a grand opportunity, she looks just like me.”  
“Somehow, I don’t feel like we’ll be missing out on much,” Tom whispered to Mark. They both stifled a giggle.  
“Well let me introduce you to her at least. Daughter!” He called.  
A charming maiden with dark red curls and plush creamy white skin walked into the chambers. She seemed almost enchanted as she glided across the room. In unison Blink 182’s mouths dropped at once from shock that this could be the king’s daughter. The king, who had his hand permanently stuck to his wiener.  
“This is YOUR daughter?” Travis asked in complete and total awe.  
“Yes this is she, this is princess Feces,” King Cumsalot said with pride swelling in his throat.  
The jaws of the band place themselves back disappointed by such a name, they just stood there looking around. The beauty of her was so breathe taking, that is until she looked up at them and smiled at them suddenly.  
Her mouth was completely empty. She had no teeth, no tongue, just empty. Her lower jaw was covered in warts and hairy moles. Mark stood staring wide eyed with his hands in his pockets and his jaw back on the floor. Tom made disgusted faces at Travis. Travis gave the same impression about the toothless, tongue less, just plain ugly girl. The kingdom was NOT what fairy tales were made of. Disney would run away from this story, especially at what was to come.

“So when do we start?” Tom asked turning his attention as quickly as he could from the empty mouthed girl.  
“Today,” King Cumsalot told them, with thrill in his voice. Delighted they had decided to do it. Not like they had much of a real choice in the matter.   
“Okay, so are we going to get directions or do we just follow the mass destructions?” Mark half joked.  
“Yes I will give you directions but first you need weapons. Come we must go to the wizard to prepare you.” The proud king led them to a dark dungeon below the lower half of the castle mark noticed the little man’s walk was quite funny due to his umm, handicap.  
The king brought them to a half broken thin wooden door. Noises of mumbling, complaining, rambling, and babbling on about something came from within.  
The king burst inside to present Blink to the wizard. If you wanted to call him that, he was more of what we would call a crazy man on crack..  
“Stinkus. Stinkus, these are the ones from the prophecy.” The strange little man with a long green beard looked up from his cluttered work table.  
“Ah yes, I have your weapons prepared.”  
“How did he know?” Mark looked oddly at the man, then at the king.  
“He’s very knowledgeable,” The king simply stated.  
“Uh-huh,” Mark spoke sarcastically. Stinkus then presented them with their weapons of “Destruction.” The weapons looked just like their instruments that they played in their own time, but what they didn’t realize was that these had magic powers.  
Mark had a bright purple bass that shot out poison…Poison condoms? He thought that was a little weird. What’s that going to be good for?  
Tom’s weapon was a magic pink guitar, which was shaped differently than his own. Like something he had seen before almost every day. He just couldn’t quite place what. The reason for the shaping was because the guitar produced a potent gas, worse than his own farts.  
Travis seemed to have gotten gypped in the process. He got drumsticks. Plain old drumsticks, or so he thought in all actuality they were drumsticks but when you threw them they would return to you as if they were boomerangs.  
“Okay, you are all set,” Stinkus told them, with a happy satisfied grin.  
“Okay directions now,” Mark requested.  
“Yes,” the king spoke tired of their pestering. “Once you return you must bring the crystal back.”  
“Yeah, yeah,” Mark sighed.  
“Okay, first…” the king started. “you go through the forest of yellow yeast, after the forest you will find a fork in the road, you must take the right road…”

The words of the king filled their heads as they walked with their instruments in hand.  
“Okay, this is the forest of yellow yeast. That’s really a disturbing name,” Mark noted.  
“So we just go through here without any problems?” asked Travis.  
“I guess so,” Mark replied.  
“Seems so easy,” Tom pointed out, Mark just nodded looking a head of him.  
Halfway through Mark spoke, “So far so good.” But he had spoken too soon. Just as they began to pick up their pace to hurry through the forest, Tom tripped over something in the ground causing a chain reaction.   
The earth buckled and started to shake and quiver beneath them. Tom stood up as the earth began to give way. The ground collapsed raising a geyser up from the ground. The geyser began to spit like an adder. The geyser shot profuse disgusting foul odors, but the worst had yet to happen.  
The geyser shook and before any of Blink knew it, the geyser spewed yellow yeast out for its opening, they ran, all of them. They ran for their lives. The smell alone was putrid enough  
The ground grumbled under them as they ran fast. They could see the opening to the end of the forest. They dove for it, just as the geyser spat another horrifying shot of its vile juice.  
When they dove for the exit, all of them landed face first into the dirt. Mark spit dirt from his mouth to speak.  
“This place keeps getting more and more strange,” he rolled onto his back as he spoke, while getting up he dusted the loose dust from his clothes.  
“This place just gets more gross,” Tom pointed out getting up as well and dusting his clothes off.  
“I totally agree,” Travis just stated brushing dirt from his face.  
“It’s even a little too gross for me,” Mark said. “Let’s keep going,” he followed behind his last statement.  
“Dude I want to see this dragon, if things get any more strange and disgusting I’d hate to see this dragon,” Tom replied following behind Mark. Tom didn’t even know half of the details of this demented beast. No one really or truly knew how devastatingly repulsive this monster was. There were rumors, but Mark, Tom, and Travis were about to learn the truth, every gross disturbing factoid.

“Well here’s the fork, he said take the right path? Right?” Mark questioned.  
“Yeah I think so,” Travis answered.  
“Then right it is,” the three friends continued on their way to try and slay the dragon. But what they didn’t know was that when the king told them to take the RIGHT path he didn’t exactly mean directionally right, he meant they had to choose the correct path. The one they chose wasn’t exactly the correct path.  
Before any of Blink knew it they were submerged in murky water. Mark stood up in the dirty water wiping the mud from his face.  
“I think our friend Mr. Wiener holder has some directional issues.” So wet, muddy, and completely pissed and gross, they pulled themselves from the confines of the thick muddy water and continued on. They had to go back to the fork in the road, re-evaluate the situation and go a different path since apparently landing in a swamp was not part of the equation.  
“Okay so this time we take the left one,” Mark directed then muttered, “Maybe Mr. Happy Penis will be right this time” Once they were on the correct path, they didn’t seem to have any troubles. That is until the mountain stood in front of them. Their jaws dropped for the second time that day, at the mere size of it.  
“That’s the great big mountain? That’s it? That’s all?” Travis asked annoyed by the “mountain,” which was more like a steep hill, that they had to climb.  
“You expected bigger? I think it’s obvious everything here is made out to be bigger than it really is. Wouldn’t you agree?” Mark kidded. “If you know what I mean.” He snickered.  
Everyone got what Mark was hinting around about, but no one cared to comment on it. So instead they headed toward the “mountain.”  
Inside the very tiny hill of rocks was a cave that took up most of the side of all the rocks and the grass.  
“I guess that’s where we find the big bad dragon. It’ll probably be the size of a tea cup poodle,” Tom joked turning to look at his friends. He noticed the looks on their faces, a mixture of fright and disgust, more disgust it seemed. Their jaws were wide open.  
“What?” Tom asked stunned at their reactions. Their arms lifted up to point behind Tom.


	5. the battle

The Battle

 

Tom gasped as he saw the dragon, the hideous one dimensional dragon. He had never seen something so tremendously ugly, well except for maybe his band mates naked, but not even that was as bad or as grotesque as this…this monster, this huge uncircumcised penis dragon.   
Mark almost dropped his magic purple bass at the sight of this dragon. His eyes widened as the dragon’s foreskin drew back to spit its deadly venom. (To others it’s known as semen. Although more potent, deadly and is more likely to have an increase in cavities.)  
Travis hurled his drumstick at the enormous hole hoping it would some how lodge itself inside. The stick was quickly averted by a swift slap of the dragon’s horrible, ugly, vagina tail. The dragon hissed at them opening the hold of death. The three band mates ran for cover, diving behind a large boulder.  
“Now what?” Tom asked gasping for air.  
“That is one ugly fucker,” Mark stated out of nowhere, looking over the rock they were no hiding behind.  
“Ya think?” Travis asked sarcastically.  
“Okay so what do we do?” Tom wondered out loud.  
“I don’t know let me think,” Mark told him.  
“Mark we don’t have time for that,” Travis argued. Mark shot him an evil look.  
“Okay, I wonder what’s the..the things weakest point?” Mark pondered out loud.  
“Well if we knew that we wouldn’t be hiding that cum slinger,” Tom snapped at no one particular.  
The monster roared again spitting its deadly venom causing objects to sizzle as it hit earth’s crust.  
“What if we cut off his tail first? It would help us get closer,” Travis suggested.  
“We don’t have anything to cut it off with. We need to distract it, then stun it somehow,” Mark reasoned.  
“And how do you propose we do that?” Travis questioned.  
A light bulb in Mark’s head turned on, you could see by the look on his face that some sort of plot had formed in his brain.  
“I think I know how,’ mark turned to Tom smiling coyly.  
“What?” Tom looked around as if to be looking for someone that he hadn’t noticed before.  
“Take off your clothes,” Mark demanded.  
“Oh gross, no, I won’t be violated in a situation like this.”  
“Don’t worry I don’t violate dudes that still wear training pants.” Tom shot Mark a dirty look.  
“Come on just do it,” Travis yelled ducking to miss the flying cum from the dragon.  
“Don’t look guys, I’m shy,” Tom said bashfully.  
“Uh-huh, could ya hurry?”  
“So why am I doing this?” Tom asked after getting down to his boxers.  
“I dunno, I just wanted to see if you would,” Mark laughed. Tom quickly pulled his pants back up.  
“Wait, okay Tom walk out like that,” Mark told him looking at the dragon.  
“Make noise or something,” Mark directed.  
Tom walked slowly from behind the rock they were hiding behind. The dragon turned at the sound of him. It made a noise as if it were confused.  
“Woo Mr. Dragon look at me, look over here,” Tom chimed like a little school girl wiggling around. Tom began to flap his arms and caw like a bird. Mark and Travis tried to contain their laugher, although very difficult, they somehow managed.  
“Okay Travis aim for the opening of the dragon when it spits. Then I’ll try to hit him.” He told Travis as the strapped the bass on. “Hey Tom dart back here when I shoot,” mark yelled to him.  
“Sure not a problem,” Tom answered sarcastically dodging another ball of cum.  
Travis shot up from behind the rock as the dragon drew back its foreskin, Travis threw the other drumstick with all his might getting a direct hit.  
The dragon screamed out in agony, Mark, hearing the cries stood up and shot his magic bass. Inside, the condoms flew out blowing up like a balloon and covering the dragon as it got larger.  
Tom seeing Mark stand ran for the cover of the giant rock and grabbed his pink guitar. The potent gas flowed from the pot of the guitar seeping through the poorly made condom asphyxiating the dragon. The dragon slowly stumbled a few feet and then fell to the ground shaking the entire hillside.  
Blink waited a moment or two before celebrating a victory. When the dragon did not stir for a matter of minutes, blink steadied themselves and looked to see the monster up close.  
The monster was even more disgusting up close than they had originally thought. The skin of the uncircumcised penis dragon was pale and gray and looked as if warts covered it. Pus ran from each pocket of the bumps. A toxic smell came from the dragon pushing the three friends away. Mark waved a hand in front of his face.  
“Oh man let’s get this stupid crystal and go home,” he quickly suggested.  
“I’ll agree with that,” Tom chimed in. The three friends. Slowly headed toward the cave. Terrible aromas wafted under their noses. Bones and belongings, such as watches, glasses, shoes etc, littered the ground. Things squished and crunched under their sneakers as they walked. In the distance they saw what they apparently had risked their lives for. A shiny green orb sat on the rocks and in the crevices of the cave.  
“Wow,” Mark wanted to say till they go closer to realize what it really was or what it would be to us in our own time, a large balloon, an average, ordinary balloon.  
“You’ve got to be kidding,” Travis remarked angrily.  
“I guess not,” Mark told them. He was as pissed as Michael Jackson’s pet monkey Bubbles when it was “petting” time.  
“Let’s go home,” Tom commented in a “this is so lame” voice.


	6. Going Home

Going Home

Back at the castle, King Cumsalot sat on his throne, well not his throne as in his ruling throne, his toilet actually when he got the news about Blink 182 or as they called them “the prophets” returning from their journey. King Cumsalot almost fell over his pants trying to stand up.  
Blink entered the room where the king usually was, when he soon stumbled in fiddling with his tights and pants trying to regain his dignity as he climbed onto his chair.  
“Ah I see you’ve found the crystal,” he spoke enthusiastically pointed to the “crystal”.  
“Umm dude this is…” Tom began, Mark poked him and shook his head no, he did not want to make the constant masturbator mad right before going home, he wanted tacos.  
“Well let’s get you home,” after all the work to get up onto his chair he got down and came toward the blink guys.  
“Shall we” he asked escorting them toward Stinkus. Stinkus took the “crystal” very carefully.  
“Can we go home now?” Tom asked yawning.  
“Of course,” the king said. He began to talk and ramble on some more about the prophecy but Mark was growing tired of it, and very quickly.  
“Just please send us home,” Mark pleaded.  
“Not a problem,” Stinkus responded. He sprinkled some powder, that smelt of dead rats, onto them. He spoke in a strange language and then clapped his hands together. In a quick flash of swirling orbs Mar, Tom and Travis were…not home.  
At least not what they had left. It was San Diego but now what San Diego was supposed to be. Tom began to cry when he realized that doing what they had done changed the future of San Diego into the dark, disgusting broken landfill that was in front of them. Mark patted Tom calmly, he was pissed, he was sad, tears began to swell he began to jerk.

“Mark! Mark!” a voice yelled in the distance, a firm tap came on his shoulder.  
Mark jerked awake, he was awakened by Tom pushing him, Mark, Tom and Travis were in the studio. Mark had fallen asleep with his real hot pink bass in his arms. The neck and head were cradled in the nook of his elbow and his head was resting on the stack of amps.  
“Aww dude you won’t believe it, I just had the gnarliest dream about us fighting this huge penis dragon and…” Mark began to ramble.  
“Uh-huh Mark.”  
“It was sooo real,” he insisted.  
“Stop dreaming about dicks. Come on lets’ get to work,” Tom told him as he plugged his guitar in.  
For weeks afterwards Mark talked about that dream. He couldn’t stop. It drove them all crazy.

And the morale of this story kids? Don’t eat bad Mexican food before sleep or do drugs or well there isn’t a moral except maybe don’t dream about large penises. Okay maybe that’s not one either, so I guess there really isn’t one, but I hope you enjoyed this kooky tale that really didn’t make sense, or wasn’t very cleaver but I hope it made you giggle like a little school girl.

*No penis dragons or Blink 182 members were harmed in the making of this story*

Start: 5/27/04 Thursday

Finished: 8/29/05 Monday

Typed on March 31st, 2010


End file.
